Support for partners

You were there as much as your partner.

It doesn’t matter you weren’t the one with the severe blood loss during birth, the one who miscarried or the one with hyperemesis. It’s affected you too and it’s OK to acknowledge that. You don’t have to ‘be strong’ and you’re entitled to support just as much.

It’s important that you seek help if you feel you’re struggling. For yourself, but also because of the impact your emotions might have on your relationship. Loss of intimacy, negative feelings towards your partner or disconnection are all very common. Please read more about it here. If you feel you might benefit from counselling services, Relate and Tavistock Relationships offer couples counselling nationwide and NHS IAPT Talking Therapies offer couples counselling for depression.

Going through a traumatic experience with your partner can be very distressing. It’s possible to suffer from birth trauma or PTSD as a result. You might have been worried about losing your partner or baby. Seeing your partner suffer is horrible and sometimes you mirror their distress.

What we often hear is partners feel a huge pressure because you ‘have to keep it together’. Lots of partners felt helpless because they watched a catastrophe unfold. You might feel your emotions aren’t justified, but they are. Don’t try and cope by avoiding your pain.

Perhaps you feel left out or overlooked by healthcare professionals. You’re looking for support but it’s proving difficult and you feel dismissed or treated as a secondary participant, at best. We refer you to this blogpost by Dr Andy Mayers – a Principal Academic at Bournemouth University, where he teaches clinical psychology and mental health – about fathers’ experiences of witnessing their partner’s traumatic birth. We also recommend having a look on the websites of Fathers Reaching Out, From Dads to Dads, The Dadsnet, Music. Football. Fatherhood and DadPad.

Elliot Rae of M.F.F. has also curated a book - DAD: Untold stories of fatherhood, love, mental health and masculinity - a deeply moving and inspiring collection of stories that represent the diversity of modern fatherhood.

When you’re in a same-sex relationship we know the struggle with support from professionals can be even bigger. Lucy (@twomumsinyorkshire) wrote this piece about how she felt overlooked and mistreated when her partner Emma gave birth to their daughter. Also look up Pink Parents, LGBT Mummies, Two Dads UK, Transparent Change.

Understanding trauma is hard. We often hear partners feel they’re not provided with enough information. That’s why we’re here to explain what birth trauma actually is.

Stop struggling. Find help. Start by speaking to your GP. And read our Step By Step Guide to see how you can benefit from help too.

“On the postnatal ward, I broke down a few times and tried to say why I was upset. I was very much aware of a constant sense that there was no place for me.”

— Lucy, partner to Emma